I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
