I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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