Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
