My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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