Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
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