I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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