Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I think im going to throw up on grandma
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Sorry about my life...
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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