Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Someone signed my nipple.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
