I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
