Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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