My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
