I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
