Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
