I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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