someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
