I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
