dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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