Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
