i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
