oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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