I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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