3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Randomize
