He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
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I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
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I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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