Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
