Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
