I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
