I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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