Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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