So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
My liver just had a heart attack.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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