we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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