I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize