I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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