from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
my shit smells like andre
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
