If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
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You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
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I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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