i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...