i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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