I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
