I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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