where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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