yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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