Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
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