I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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