Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
