I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
meet me or not, i'm out of control
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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