JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
