I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
