I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
