my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
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I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
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The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
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