Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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