We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I need to sanitize my soul.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
