Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
