Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
even my farts smell like vagina
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
she peed on how many people?
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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