She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
